Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane, and a "Where in the hell am I?" lane.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... give a woman a compliment and he can 'eat' for a week.

   Speed bumps should be called slow-down bumps. (I tells it like I see it.)

   Strip Rock Paper Scissors is my new favorite game.

   Do what you love, and the money will follow, unless what you love is Facebook.

   Bored at work? Put some habanero hot sauce in the office ketchup bottle. Still bored? Pour it in the office coffee pot.

   The awkwrd moment when someone waves in your direction and you wave back then you realize they were waving at someone else.

   Hey Vi@gra, you have a real competition for curing the erectile dysfunction... it's called divorce.

   I bought a Dale Earnhart GPS on eBay but it just keeps telling me to turn left. I swear it is starting to drive me up the walls.

   I'm sick and tired of the games requests on Facebook. If it doesn't stop Imma be forced to play Facebook's Version of "My foot in ya ass."

   My friend said, "I don't like Budweiser or Coors, I only drink Corona." And I said, "I'm like a beer slut, I drink anything."

   Date a girl who watches football with you and lets you grab her ass during commercials.

   The iPhone 5 better be waterproof, fireproof, crack proof, dirt proof, bulletproof, and be able to charge itself and cook for me.

   ATM information is getting stolen at self check outs. I'm going back to the green stuff... it helps me relax and forget the news.

   The new film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks quite good. I think I'll wait for the sequel, Bill Clinton: Lady Killer.

   I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

   You KNOW the economy is bad when the dancers at this strip club are walking around with change belts. I guess it's time to make it HAIL on these b!tches!!

   Whenever a girl refers to me as "candy ass" I demand that she prove her theory by actually taste testing the product she is reviewing.

   You put the ID in stupid.

   If after many drinks she still looks ugly put a flag on her head and do it for your country.