Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You;re so annoying you should have a SLAP named after you.

   I just f*cked a girl that stutters. It was great. I finished before she could say "NO!"

   I thought a friend said, "you should get a life." I replied "F**k you!" He explained that he actually said, "you should get a WIFE." My reply stayed the same.

   Life is like a box of chocolates, why is this box of chocolates yelling at me?

   Girls during Halloween have Definitely made new meaning to Trick. Or Treat...

   I'm so poor this week that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money.

   Every time traffic policemen stops me they ask if I have drunk anything. But no one ever asked me if I had eaten anything.

   My girlfriend gave me a lift in her car. I said I can smell something, I think you're burning oil... ...she said that can't be I haven't put any oil in it!

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

   Sometimes I like to go to the dealership, slip into a pair of smart cars and roller skate around the parking lot for three hours.

   Just heard that "lesbian" is no longer acceptable terminology. They are to now be called "vagitarians" ... and now you know.

   Farts are always funny, except the wet ones, those are only funny when it happens to someone else.

   Sometimes, I'll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it'd be cool if you moved out Amy."

   They say you should keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer. So I'm getting married next week.

   If your kids don't shut the hell up and rock when "Sad But True" starts playing, you've failed them as a parent.

   What's on your mind they said. Share how you're feeling they said. Only to find out that all we have said and done... will be stored for generations to see... "Hey let's check out all the funny things Grampa did when he was young. Whoa! Such a perv!"

   Guys will never win an argument with their girl. You think you won and 3 hours later she comes back for round 2.

   Just spilled coffee on my crotch. Now I have a hot rod.

   I don't think of Canada as a different country, I think of it more like, America's Hat, because they've always got us covered. Same goes for Mexico, I think of them as Americas Legs, because without them, none of the labor would get done.

   I think “Recession” is when your neighbor loses his job. “Depression” is when you lose yours. And “Recovery” is when Obama loses his.