Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her mother. Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another...

   I was chillin' with my buddy and his wife walked in and said, "Happy Father's Day! You're so much more than the guy who used to buy dollar store condoms."

   "You jam yourself inside me, tie me up and cover me in filth only to toss me aside when you're through with me." - My sneakers

   You're welcome. Not sure what for yet, but I'm bound to say something awesome that'll make your day sooner or later.

   When women ask for your opinion what they really want to hear is their opinion, but in a deeper voice.

   I tied a string around a pork chop and hung it from the ceiling fan on my porch and now every dog in my neighborhood is dizzy as hell.

   These little 'Hug Juice' barrels are too small! I can finish the thing in one gulp! Let's make them bigger, much bigger, and why juice, let's fill it up with beer! Wait, this sounds strangely familiar....

   My ole lady needs a TEMPER-pedic mattress cause she keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. :/

   If you had a donkey and it ate a roosters feet and got sick, would you call the vet and say your ass doesn't feel good because there is two feet of c0ck in it?

   Roach joints. Because yeah... I recycle! :)

   Considering how wonderfully the day is going, I think I'm down to plan Q today.

   When you can do the common things in life in a uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

   One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries.

   I hate to admit it, but I've got a serious drinking problem. I don't have any more money to buy liquor.

   Okay....who's responsible for my "poke" finger smelling funny?

   Hey alcohol and aspirin companies... Have you two met each other? Team up all ready and make that sh*t happen! Sincerely, Hungover as hell!

   My ex called me today. I told her she was on my mind a lot today. She thought it was sweet, really though it's trash day here.

   KIDS trust me when I say this: you are NOT missing out on anything if you were to take a nap.

   I really think you should change your mind. The one you have now SUCKS!

   Reverse Psychology: If I were you, I wouldn't even bother trying, because you'll probably f*ck it up.