andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

   a pessimist sees the glass half empty. a possumist sees the glass as a giant possum. sometimes jokes don't make much sense.

   The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

   Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.

   People using "obtuse" in a sentence think they're smart by using a $.10 word. Really, they only know it because Shawshank is on TV weekly

   However lonely you feel, you're never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.

   I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors

   When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found

   The holidays are a good time to think about those less fortunate than you. Aaaaaaand done.

   I went to a diner last night & the waitress asked "is pepsi okay?" I said I don't know!! did something happen?

   A funny thing to do when someone's dog barks at you is say, "I don't speak dog," and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

   I really like the phrase "inspector gadget level incompetence"

   I wonder if actors line their walls with autographed pictures of restaurant owners and dry cleaners.

   Very nervous to use the bathroom because I ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight

   New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.

   Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome

   Sometimes if I'm alone at night I have this horrible fear that a murderous stranger will break in wearing like, the exact same outfit as me.

   Mike Tyson claims he was high during fights. Strange he seemed so normal and in control of himself.

   Hey girl, are you an angel? Because your hair's in my pasta. I'd like to speak to the manager.

   FACT: If you ever see a bear, lie down, curl in the fetal position. The bear will then lay behind you as the big spoon & ask you how your day was