GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   And yet again this morning No one was standing Next to my bed Saying Your Royal Highness here is your coffee.

   I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His parents weren't too happy about it.

   Just checked my bank account. And it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.

   I never realized how funny I was until I started talking to myself.

   If you unfriend me and then later decide to send me another friend request, there will be a $29.99 reconnection fee.

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that! What are they?"

   I'm not a magician. But I once turned a back rub into a kid and a mortgage.

   Black Friday special!!! Stay at home and save 100%.

   They say it's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?

   When you die people cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do, there's the running and the screaming.

   The part of my morning routine that takes the longest is deciding to get up.

   Santa has been reading your posts all year. Most of you are getting dictionaries.

   I hate it when people text me: "Call me". I'm gonna start calling people and when they answer, I'm gonna say, "Text me", and hang up.

   I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

   Gary's tips for the holidays: 1. Forget the past. You can't change it. 2. Forget the present. I didn't get you one.

   Walmart is giving away free Christmas decorations as long as you can outrun security.

   Told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here. You just won't see me.