GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Welcome to social media! A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly.

   I had a dream I was at work. I woke up and called in because I ain't working twice.

   Marriage tip: When your wife is sitting in her chair, scrolling through Tiktok, just ask her why the house has not been cleaned up yet and why she is sitting there, like a bum, doing nothing!

   I've got people who love me because I'm me. I've got people who hate me for the same reason!

   If I block you on social media and you see me in public, the block still applies in real life.

   Memorizing pot hole locations is a must where I'm from.

   I'm a firm believer that every traffic jam begins with one idiot.

   People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer per day.

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

   I had a thought, and then I had another thought. They bounced off each other and now I can't find either one.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

   Marriage tip: If your wife is slumming it around the house, just use your "Male-dominated voice" to tell her to get up, and get to work. She will respect you, and get up and do her job.

   I was watching a TV show on the top ten ways to avoid a shark attack. I was shocked to hear that "stay out of the water" wasn't number one.

   Marriage tip: Make sure your wife always accommodates to your needs. "Honey, when you finish using the bathroom, you need to put the toilet seat back up".

   When I say, "I hate drama" I mean I hate being involved in drama. Other people's drama? Big fan!!!

   What a lucky week! First I win the lottery, and then some relatives I'd lost contact with got in touch.

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on.

   I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

   A true friend is someone who knows how crazy you are and is still willing to be seen in public with you.

   Marriage tip: When your wife is getting angry at you, just put your finger on her lips and say, "shhhhh". She will then consider the consequences of her actions, and calm down. And then she'll go make you a sandwich.