Funny Status Messages

   Might get crazy tonight and go to bed at 10 instead of 9.

   In 2018, 33 researchers published their theory that octopuses didn’t originate on earth and are actually alien life forms.

   Might put the tree up and call it a year.

   The word is “butter,” go spread the word.

   How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.

   Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

   Always be nice to people that have access to your toothbrush.

   Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.

   An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”

   The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.

   You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

   Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

   Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.

   Waking up and realizing you’re still not rich.

   Her: If you want me to break social distancing rules, it better be worth it. Him: I will use your coochie like an N95 mask.

   Are you the only one who gets it, understands it, or who thinks that your own jokes are funny? Something to consider while that jellybean rolls around in your coconut.

   Dear weather app, I don’t need a blinking light informing me that the pollen is high when my car looks like a Cheeto.

   You: Perhaps they’re not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where our loved ones shine down to let us know that they’re happy. Me: Can I buy some weed from you?