Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon In these days of technological advancement, it’s advisable to record all arguments with a woman so you can at a later date prove who said what. Women are very good at denying what they said.
←Rate | 08-23-2018 00:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alexa, play back the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.
←Rate | 08-23-2018 00:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rule #1 in marriage. If she not happy you won't be happy.
←Rate | 08-22-2018 23:41 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now if you will excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.
←Rate | 08-22-2018 18:42 by Stevielea Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you date both men & women and still can't get into a relationship are you technically bi-yourself?
←Rate | 08-22-2018 17:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon children today have no idea what a game-changer smart phones and internet are. When I was a kid it was almost impossible to find nude photos of the First Lady.
←Rate | 08-22-2018 13:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.
←Rate | 08-22-2018 09:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp “No sex for the first 7 days..just wanks!” She asked.. “Why only wanks?”..her pimp said.. “Union rules! gotta work a week in hand!”
←Rate | 08-22-2018 08:28 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone asked me why I hold so much anger in my heart. I said it's because I am running out of places to keep it.
←Rate | 08-22-2018 07:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
←Rate | 08-22-2018 07:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 100th episode of undercover boss is on and your telling me there are still people out that aren’t suspicious of a camera crew filming them at work. Working on my sob story to tell
←Rate | 08-21-2018 22:24 by Smeebert Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't let Madonna speak at my funeral please...
←Rate | 08-21-2018 17:32 by Rick Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whomever has my Voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks....I'm in public!
←Rate | 08-21-2018 03:08 by Stevielea Comments (0)  

   messageicon Having a bad day?? You could be a siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and your the only one with an ass!
←Rate | 08-21-2018 02:55 by Stevielea Comments (0)  

   messageicon The reason Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and Tomato Soup are so popular is because they are the same basic ingredients as Pizza.
←Rate | 08-20-2018 20:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What are children born in a brothel called? Brothel sprouts.
←Rate | 08-20-2018 20:13 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon Living alone is pretty cool, I don't even know if my bathroom door closes
←Rate | 08-20-2018 15:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd rather stay home and be bored out of my mind than interact with people
←Rate | 08-20-2018 15:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't "get even" or hold a grudge anymore, I take naps
←Rate | 08-20-2018 15:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Months of outrage about school shootings but when ISIS compound is discovered training kids to do more of them,no one cared.
←Rate | 08-20-2018 15:09 by MAGA Comments (7)  

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