Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Got caught daydreaming about sleep again at work today
←Rate | 01-31-2018 13:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"
←Rate | 01-31-2018 10:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wants to apologize to everyone about the blue moon but hey, I'm auditioning for the Avatar sequels and it's your damn fault for peeping through my window!
←Rate | 01-31-2018 08:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just made me some synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make.
←Rate | 01-31-2018 05:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me, I have hearing aids
←Rate | 01-31-2018 04:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public
←Rate | 01-31-2018 04:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it
←Rate | 01-31-2018 04:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon instead of clapping at the state of the union they should yell "Dilly Dilly"
←Rate | 01-30-2018 21:28 by barber Comments (2)  

   messageicon A new study says that a lot of people will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 13:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 3 stages of marriage. 1.engagement ring. 2. wedding ring. 3. suffer ring.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 12:04 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm still young at heart. The problem is, the rest of me is old.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville
←Rate | 01-30-2018 07:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That silly moment when your gas tank is on 'E' and you turn the music off like it's going to save gas
←Rate | 01-30-2018 07:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?
←Rate | 01-30-2018 06:59 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Did anyone in their wildest dreams even imagine that Donald and Mickey would run America one day!? Walt Disney would be proud of this!
←Rate | 01-30-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
←Rate | 01-30-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My New Years resolution for losing weight starts in February 2018, January was spent looking for a decent diet plan ! #strong
←Rate | 01-30-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How can fish get high? With seaweed.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 04:12 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 03:57 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I sneak into hospitals and kiss coma patients.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 03:01 Comments (0)  

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