Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible...
←Rate | 05-17-2018 16:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon * 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 15:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 12:17 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so stressed out that I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your best friend” was the wrong answer.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 06:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Having your favorite band come and visit you in the hospital is a good indication that you are going to die.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 06:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon a lot of younger folks won’t remember this but before 9/11 you were allowed to grill your own meats on airplanes
←Rate | 05-17-2018 02:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m at my most MacGyver when something is stuck in my teeth.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 02:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
←Rate | 05-17-2018 02:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
←Rate | 05-16-2018 23:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Hello ICE? There are people speaking spanish in NYC."
←Rate | 05-16-2018 22:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My 10 year old: Lands 14 platsic water bottle flips in a row, can't hit laundry basket with dirty socks.
←Rate | 05-16-2018 18:29 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  


   messageicon A woman arrested for prostitution. Judge: How do you plead? Woman: Not guilty. I'm a sales woman. Judge: What do you sell ? Woman: Condoms with a free demontration.
←Rate | 05-16-2018 18:23 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Happy 32nd birthday to "Top Gun". need4speed
←Rate | 05-16-2018 11:37 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was once in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
←Rate | 05-16-2018 07:29 Comments (2)  


   messageicon My wife just told me that I need to grow up. I was speechless, but it is kinda hard to talk with 45 Gummie Bears in your mouth.
←Rate | 05-16-2018 07:25 by Crewz Comments (0)  


   messageicon Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit!"
←Rate | 05-16-2018 01:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hello, 911, I am calling about this African American family, The Jeffersons. I want to complain that they finally got a piece of the pie.
←Rate | 05-15-2018 22:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish the weekend came as fast as my ex did.
←Rate | 05-15-2018 22:35 Comments (0)  


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