Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

   If at the end of your life you have no regrets, you did it wrong.

   If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

   I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 15 teeth or less!

   If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place. ;)

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.

   Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.

   'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.

   That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars & trucks team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!

   I judge you by what's behind you in your photos.

   I don't know why my girlfriend insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... She knows damn well they won't fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box!

   I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."

   I think the best thing about the Internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort.

   I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way the pets and children do.

   A girl broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution??? I sent them to her dad.

   Sometimes I'll stand up in a meeting and say "You just gave me an idea!" Then I leave the room, drive home, and go to bed.

   It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.

   Now if you'll excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.