Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
←Rate | 06-06-2010 21:35 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon If at the end of your life you have no regrets, you did it wrong.
←Rate | 07-15-2010 11:19 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
←Rate | 06-16-2013 13:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 15 teeth or less!
←Rate | 07-06-2011 18:36 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  


   messageicon If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place. ;)
←Rate | 02-03-2011 23:14 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
←Rate | 01-30-2011 21:50 by Marshall the Great Comments (2)  


   messageicon Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.
←Rate | 09-14-2011 15:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.
←Rate | 04-12-2013 10:57 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon 'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.
←Rate | 10-23-2012 09:16 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.
←Rate | 05-24-2011 09:27 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars & trucks team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!
←Rate | 06-01-2011 11:01 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  


   messageicon I judge you by what's behind you in your photos.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 15:58 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't know why my girlfriend insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... She knows damn well they won't fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box!
←Rate | 05-07-2012 21:27 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
←Rate | 11-03-2010 23:39 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  


   messageicon I think the best thing about the Internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort.
←Rate | 04-20-2010 19:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way the pets and children do.
←Rate | 06-10-2010 06:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon A girl broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution??? I sent them to her dad.
←Rate | 03-01-2010 17:45 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I'll stand up in a meeting and say "You just gave me an idea!" Then I leave the room, drive home, and go to bed.
←Rate | 07-11-2011 14:09 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
←Rate | 10-11-2012 09:10 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now if you'll excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.
←Rate | 06-19-2011 13:15 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  




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