Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I'm now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.

   "I'm sorry, baby, I just have a lot on my plate right now." - Me breaking up with my girlfriend at Old Country Buffet

   eHarmony should be more like Amazon for those sad lonely people. "Customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03."

   Pardon me, Ma'am, but maybe you could use one of those unlimited breadsticks you've got there to shut your screaming baby the hell up!

   I have learned one thing since joining Facebook... I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.

   As a Social Networking Expert, I have evaluated your Facebook activity and your status updates. My conclusion: You're all crazy.

   If all of your Facebook pictures are tiny, people think you're retarded.

   Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

   Either I'm really drunk or you're really hot. The choice is yours.

   The fairies say I drank too much cough syrup but I don't believe in fairies so...... Wait

   Spray tans, for those who can't get a real tan because they think the sun shines out of their ass.

   People posting... "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?

   Tiger Woods is now dating Lindsey Vonn. That man gets so much ass, if this were 1800's his slave name would be Poonta Kinte

   If a lesbian c@ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   ☂ *~Everyone wants to be happy , Nobody wants to be in pain... But you can't have a rainbow without any rain~* ☂

   Right now I feel like that one fry that somehow ends up in the onion rings.

   When picking out a name for your kid make sure it's something you won't mind saying a BILLION times.

   I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth" not to tell them "you can't handle the truth!"

   I have deja moo... the feeling I have heard this bull before.

   I cheated on my fears, broke up with my doubts, got engaged to my faith and now I'm marrying my dreams.