Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   This alcohol diet is freaking awesome, I've already lost 3 days.

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   How long before I can convince you all that it's my birthday again?

   I really hate people who breathe too hard... I can hear you breathing and that is a problem.

   If you didn't hump Christina Ricci... then you're doing Wednesday wrong.

   Insomnia is a glamorous term for 'thoughts you forgot to have in the day.'

   I listen better to people when they make sense... or better yet... Dollars...

   "Jacuzzi" - a Swedish word that loosely translates to "sweating underwater".......

   They say every birth is a miracle of God but after watching these people at Walmart they would probably become atheist.

   Listening to Obama talk about the economy is like listening to a chick talk about football.

   I knew this hurricane would be lame. After all, they named it after a chinese lady with one leg.

   they say the taste of love is sweet. That's bullsh!t everyone knows it's salty.

   The key to friendship is to accept the other person's faults. You'll understand this should I ever develop any.

   You should consider buying a new car when you have to rearrange the seats whenever you hit a pothole.

   "I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others." - The phrase that started Facebook

   Well I'm turning 33 in a few weeks and to celebrate, instead of planting a bunch of pink flamingos in my yard, I'm gonna bury all the exes that stole my youth.

   You got stretch marks around your mouth b!tch, so don't be playing hard to get.

   Take this status and shove it straight up your ass. Your head needs some company.

   How many times do you have to pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?

   I'm so broke after Christmas shopping this New Year's I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.