Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I recognize three out of the fifty ingredients listed here. This is food, right? I'll eat it, but I'll never understand it.

   I just thought of something that really sucks. How are you?

   I hate it when my inner child talks back to the voices in my head.

   Most of the time the past tense of 'hate' is 'love.'

   I bought a book entitled "How to Have a Good Personality." It's a gift for my ex.

   A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: "All we did was correct his eyesight."

   I have a tool for everything in my shed. Including the tool to open the lock when I lose my key ...

   I picked up a hitchhiker today... Dragged him for 2 miles before the f*cker finally fell off my car.

   Why would you try to avoid risks in life? To make it safely to death?

   “You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can't you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”

   "Excuse me ma'am... I'd like to return this Dream Catcher." "Sir, that's a dead bird caught in a spider web." "Where's your manager!?"

   Yesterday my coworker gave me the finger but today we're cool... this morning he high 4'd me.

   If I'm ever in a horror movie, most of the scenes will be me changing my pants.

   Being a man is great until you hear a noise late at night and realize you are the one that has to go investigate...

   I'm not saying I'm a celebrity or something, but I was asked to autograph receipts at 3 separate bars tonight.

   Say "cheese!" cuz I want you to look like a complete idiot in this picture.

   Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.

   Has never seen ONE person look cool while waving at the camera in the background of a live news report.... especially on College GAMEDAY.

   I want to break down your wall so I can build another one around us.

   Love songs are liars.