Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Love is blind but hate has perfect 20/20 vision.

   I just know my co-workers will be really surprised when they find the Easter Eggs I left them in their office........ in the far right corner........ behind the file cabinet marked records from 1989.

   The oldest written recipe is for beer. Even when most people couldn't read or write, they knew they had to mark that down somehow.

   I don't wear a watch because I decide what time it is.

   Oh nothing, just standing next to my computer browsing Facebook on my phone.

   There are basically only four ways to handle Mondays; get around it, get under it, get through it, or get the f*ck over it.

   No one can ruin your day without your permission.

   I think if I ever win the lottery I'm gonna get all my ex girlfriends incorporated into a life size whack-a-mole game.

   A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

   On the count of 3. Okay you ready everyone? ONE. TWO. THREE!!! Go f*ck yourself.

   The more Marilyn Monroe quotes a girls Facebook has, the more likely she'll suck your d!ck for validation.

   Dear Heart, Please stop breaking, you weren’t made in China.

   Tom's may provide shoes for poor kids in Africa but I provide jobs for kids in China by purchasing Nikes. I'm truly the better person.

   Ya know when ya go on vacation and you just can't wait to get home to take a nice, healthy dump?

   You can post about your love of god on facebook all you want, but *I* remember your love of going down on random guys at frat parties. Amen.

   If you have a pic of a celebrity as your profile pic I am gonna assume you are one ugly b!tch with extreme low self esteem.

   It's not even a booty call, it's a drive by... hit it and go.

   If you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

   The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie.

   If I am arguing with someone and they say "READ MY LIPS" I slap them in the mouth and tell them my vision is bad so I need large print.