Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   "The glass is half full" ~ optimist "The glass is half empty" ~ pessimist "That looks delicious" ~ alcoholic

   a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

   Being a successful Hollywood movie star who is overweight and unattractive is a double-edged sword. Your agent must feel pretty awkward telling you about new parts. They need a guy who is fat ugly and no one wants to date. I said you'd be perfect!

   convinced that if people really follow their dreams no one would get anything done 'cause people would just be having sex with everyone everywhere.

   You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don't go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.

   Damn, just about got in a head on collision with some idiot who doesn't know how to text and drive nearly as well as I do.

   I'm not crazy. Sheldon's mom had me tested.

   The BP president said that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, "Don't worry, my car is fine."

   Anyone who thinks unemployment benefits keep people from looking for work isn't living on unemployment benefits.

   Every Christmas Eve my family tries to break the record of number of people stuffed into one kitchen.

   "My phone's about to die." - Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

   I'll never forget the first time my son said "I love you, Dad!" He was talking to the mailman, BUT how cute is that?

   I tried to share a cheeseburger with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to go away and buy my own.

   At what point did the police change their motto from, "To Serve and Protect" to "To Pester and Annoy?"

   My girlfriend was looking through my DVD collection. "What's 'Fight Club'? I've never heard of it," she said. It's good to see the system's working.

   I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear.

   Naked breakfast on the couch watching my shows. Gangsta's paradise.

   I've been thinking, I should really get some work done today. Well, it's the thought that counts.

   I speak fluent apology.

   Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers.