jake Funny Status Messages

   What do woman and police cars have in common? The both make a lot of noise when they are coming.

   Sound advice: Never keep your hemroid cream on the same shelf as your toothpaste.

   When we were younger my wife got a dolphin tattoo on her butt...... It's now a whale

   There should be a book "What to expect after marriage" for the bridegroom.

   The French eat snails because they don't like fast food.

   God gave us shins so we could find things in the dark.

   If woman are so good at multitasking. Then why can't they sit down and shut up?

   How are condoms and cameras a like? They both capture that magical moment.

   I never knew I had so many aunts and uncles untill my parents separated.

   If you go to sleep at 6am, is that going to sleep early or late?

   Gynaecologist: A female private investigator.

   If you can lay on the floor without holding on...... You're not drunk.

   Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life? ...... I do.

   At my wedding the minister asked me: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I said I do. He turn and look at her then back at me and said are you sure?

   Feeling down? Just play your wedding tape backwards and you'll feel better.

   I don't mind going to work every day and working with a bunch of a**holes. I'm a proctologist.

   Buddy the Elf. What's your favorite color?

   The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.

   Do you know why it's mandatory for female paratroopers to wear pants ? It's to prevent them from whistling on their way down.

   Went to walmart and ask the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.