jake Funny Status Messages

   If woman are so good at multitasking. Then why can't they sit down and shut up?

   How are condoms and cameras a like? They both capture that magical moment.

   I never knew I had so many aunts and uncles untill my parents separated.

   If you go to sleep at 6am, is that going to sleep early or late?

   Gynaecologist: A female private investigator.

   If you can lay on the floor without holding on...... You're not drunk.

   Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life? ...... I do.

   At my wedding the minister asked me: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I said I do. He turn and look at her then back at me and said are you sure?

   Women have better minds then men because the keep changing their minds.

   A gambling addiction can cost you your marriage or win you a divorce

   The smog is so bad in my city that in the mornig the birds wake me by coughing in stead chirping.

   I'm not one for eating oat-meal. My box of Quaker oats is so old that picture of the quarker on the box has brown hair.

   My love life is terrible. The last woman I was inside of was the statue of liberty.

   Men at 20 play football, at 40 tennis, at 60 golf. Notice as they get older their balls get smaller.

   Feeling down? Just play your wedding tape backwards and you'll feel better.

   I don't mind going to work every day and working with a bunch of a**holes. I'm a proctologist.

   Buddy the Elf. What's your favorite color?

   The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.

   Do you know why it's mandatory for female paratroopers to wear pants ? It's to prevent them from whistling on their way down.

   Went to walmart and ask the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.