andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

   If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I'm really just testing your resolve

   I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

   Ah, my youth: We sang praises to our processed meat products. Bologna had a first name. We all wished to be wieners. It was a gentler age.

   I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.

   "Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook

   Robin Thicke and Paula Patton are getting a divorce. I guess what rhymes with hug me is alimony

   It’s 2015, why don’t we have hover-boards yet?” he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything

   Dear people jogging with that stupid smile on your face. I know what route you take and I will jump out of bushes and scare that smile away

   The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo and my hair is super shiny but the neighbors won't like what I just did on their lawn.

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions

   If I were a sheriff in the old west, I'd make some "WANTED" posters that said "NOT INTERESTED" so insecure outlaws would just come to me.

   “Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.

   I know you think saying you need everything "ASAP" makes you seem important, but really it makes you seem like you can't plan.

   I went to jail as a teenager and I cried the whole time. Haven’t played Monopoly since.

   75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.

   Due to a Recommended Daily Allowance misprint I've been consuming 12 pounds of magnesium every day since 1988.

   I had hoped my facebook page wouldn't lead to stalkers, but some girl named Sallie Mae found my number and has been calling me for months.

   You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can’t teach a cat anything, ever.