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X If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?
X I don't drink about you anymore.
X Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.
X Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.
X Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.
X Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.
X When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing
X After I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.
X Just when you think you have buried the past, They find another Body...
X If you promise not to get emotionally attached, you can kiss my ass.
X I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
X If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable - it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out.
X When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.
X To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.
X I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in their mom at the same time.
X I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.
X Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it.
X Are you single single or internet single?
X You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."
X Why does every wireless provider say that they have the best, fastest, most covered 4G network? Someone's lying.