Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The apocalypse doesn't care what your credit score is.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 16:49 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wife: Why did you drink all the rum? me: I lost the cap
←Rate | 06-21-2018 16:48 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I stopped watching Vikings when Ragnar Lothbrok died.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 15:19 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Sad news out of Ohio. The inventor or the helicopter ejection seat died from severe head trauma.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 12:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Oh btw, if the Dems really cared about keeping families together, they would DROP their support for Planned Parenthood!
←Rate | 06-21-2018 12:45 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Yesterday, the Dems got what they wanted! Then realized they didn’t get what they wanted. Trump played them. And I’m gonna get what I want in 2020...Trump re-elected!
←Rate | 06-21-2018 12:30 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Why is being heartless and full of hate the cool thing to do in this era?
←Rate | 06-21-2018 10:33 Comments (9)  

   messageicon Nobody blamed the lightsaber....then again, they didn't let every stupid moron have one.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 10:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm searching the back of this fridge for a beer like a Democrat searching for someone to hold up as a victim
←Rate | 06-21-2018 08:45 Comments (3)  

   messageicon I can’t decide if I should get married again or try to get a blow job from a great white shark.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 08:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I'm struggling to pull on a turtleneck I start to worry what the world will be like when I get to the other side.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 07:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can find your bathroom on my own but I'll ask you for directions anyway so you think I think you live in a mansion. I'm a giver.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 07:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 07:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 07:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
←Rate | 06-21-2018 07:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I feel terrible, or, as I like to call it, "being alive."
←Rate | 06-21-2018 06:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think Stephen Hawking would be alive today if his family had called an ambulance and not taken him to PC World?
←Rate | 06-21-2018 04:54 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon The one good thing about an egotist. They don't talk about other people.
←Rate | 06-20-2018 23:12 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you know you don't need a parachute to skydive? You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice...
←Rate | 06-20-2018 23:03 by Gabe Comments (0)  

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