Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
←Rate | 07-15-2020 08:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 19:45 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Like a Drifter I Walk Alone. By Whitesnake....and the CDC
←Rate | 07-14-2020 15:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
←Rate | 07-14-2020 15:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Saying "All Lives Matter" is like when your house catches fire and the 911 operator says "All Houses Matter".
←Rate | 07-14-2020 14:47 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 09:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We're living in a real life DC Universe where The Joker pardoned The Penguin.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 09:40 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Look low in the northwest sky around 9:45 p.m for the next few days for the NEOWISE asteroid you won't want to miss as it will be a once-in-a-lifetime event!! just like the last several asteroids that flew by.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 09:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 136.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 09:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
←Rate | 07-14-2020 09:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 07:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 07:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if Santa Clause is going to have to wear a mask this year....
←Rate | 07-13-2020 22:04 by Mkane Comments (1)  

   messageicon Me 9am, "I think I'll make roasted chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner."... Me 5pm, "Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery..."
←Rate | 07-13-2020 18:58 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now that the President is wearing masks, the Left is now concerned about how effective they are.
←Rate | 07-13-2020 17:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Acknowledge many, trust few, but always paddle your own Canoe
←Rate | 07-13-2020 16:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I watched about five minutes of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter on Netflix. That may be the worst thing that has happened to Abraham Lincoln in a theater
←Rate | 07-13-2020 10:25 by Rickster Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ironically "Chumbawamba" totally got knocked down and never got up again
←Rate | 07-13-2020 10:24 by Rickster Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
←Rate | 07-13-2020 10:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
←Rate | 07-13-2020 10:02 Comments (0)  

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