Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon if I pay Netflix each month & choose to watch Star Trek, am I paying a DATA plan?
←Rate | 03-06-2018 23:13 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon When asked why he was wearing a tuxedo to his vasectomy. Tyrone said, well if I'm gona be impotent, I might as well look impotent.
←Rate | 03-06-2018 17:32 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My parents would not let me watch any violent movies. Instead we played board games with questions like "Who murdered this guy with a candlestick?"
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today I am contemplating how much longer I would live if someone shouted "Run for your life!"
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I raised my daughter to believe she can do anything but that did not include eating cheesecake in the shower
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife is a teacher. If they issue her a gun I will be dead by Thursday.
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you eat at McDonald's, I doubt fresh vs frozen beef is your biggest concern...
←Rate | 03-06-2018 08:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I didn't give anything up for Lent. I just gave up.
←Rate | 03-06-2018 08:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So it's been reported that Trevor Baylis has passed away? Is this a wind up?
←Rate | 03-06-2018 03:58 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 23:41 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 23:35 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon We need to make guns illegal, like we did with drugs. You can’t find that stuff anywhere nowadays.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 21:44 Comments (4)  

   messageicon My wife is like a peach. She too has a hart of stone.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 13:49 by Jake Comments (2)  

   messageicon I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 13:47 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Winning trade wars is so easy. Just ask George
←Rate | 03-05-2018 12:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They shun Ryan Seacrest and give Kobe an Oscar. I guess the message is, don’t talk about it, just shut up and rape.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 12:14 by RICARDOGIRON Comments (0)  

   messageicon Society needs to teach every little girl that she's smart and her brains will make her beautiful. This will help her grow into a confident and independent woman who doesn’t feel like she is nothing but a sex object.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 10:56 Comments (2)  

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