andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   If people say you're acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you're totally nailin' it.

   Very nervous to use the bathroom because I ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight

   With the NFL starting this week, as a Redskins fan I have this feeling of impending doom.

   For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid

   I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.

   Wish this guy on the bus would take a Smellfie! Smellfie: Quickly taking a whiff of your own pits to see if you stink:

   I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

   I bet it was hard for Andre the Giant's little brother, Wayne the Somewhat Beefy in the Legs but Still Generally Average Sized Person.

   Words of Wisdom: The police never think it’s as funny as you do.

   Go shawty, I forgot your birthday. It's only thanks to Facebook that I know it's your birthday.

   So disappointed that Hello Kitty isn't a cat. This must be how Snoop Dogg felt when he met Emily Blunt

   I could make a rap video, but instead of cash I'd be surrounded by stacks of Taco Bell napkins

   "I've seen fire & I've seen rain" -James Taylor & LITERALLY EVERY HUMAN

   Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!

   If they're the champions why will they keep on fightin' 'til the end? They've been named champions. Was it just the conference championship?

   I'll be updating my status telepathically the rest of the day... so if you think of something funny? That was me.

   I'm going to switch my insurance from Geico to Allstate, then Statefarm, then back to Geico. If i'm correct, they should owe me $950.

   Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.

   I'm feeling vulnerable tonight. I wasn't able to validate my personality with a BuzzFeed quiz today.

   If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn't work play "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". Bears love that song.