Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing

   When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?

   Are you single single or internet single?

   Medical fact: Half of the population has a sex addiction. The other half has a vagina.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   I never make the same mistake twice... I like to fill my day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources.

   If you can't laugh at yourself... I will gladly do it for you.

   Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, ccroll down 4 months, and like something.

   If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"

   I wish I had a job where I could frequently say, "If my calculations are correct..."

   I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.

   I am pretty certain it is easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.

   Ever notice how unaware people are of the world around them? No?

   I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!

   Being right isn't nearly as important as knowing when to shut the hell up.

   If at first you DO succeed, someone's probably going to think you cheated.