Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?

   Are you single single or internet single?

   If you can't laugh at yourself... I will gladly do it for you.

   I never make the same mistake twice... I like to fill my day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources.

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"

   I wish I had a job where I could frequently say, "If my calculations are correct..."

   I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.

   I am pretty certain it is easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.

   Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, ccroll down 4 months, and like something.

   If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.

   I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!

   Being right isn't nearly as important as knowing when to shut the hell up.

   A report indicates V iagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, V iagra sales have skyrocketed.

   If at first you DO succeed, someone's probably going to think you cheated.

   If at the end of your life you have no regrets, you did it wrong.

   Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

   Ever notice how unaware people are of the world around them? No?

   I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 15 teeth or less!