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X Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.
X I really hate people who breathe too hard... I can hear you breathing and that is a problem.
X Worrying is like a rocking chair. It keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
X I don't know if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
X As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead, he jaughed. You know he's been there before.
X Give peace a chance. Move to a new town and don't tell your relatives.
X "What's that!! An earthquake?" "YES!! RUN!!!" "OMG, WAIT" *runs to the computer and writes on Facebook* EARTHQUAAAAAAAKE!!!
X I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt. Undoubtedly, all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony.
X I'm only on here for entertainment. Please don't try and make me learn anything.
X I like messing with Texas by calling random numbers in Houston and telling them we've have a problem.
X I could watch a Shake Weight ad for hours... Cheapest entertainment ever. I swear to God the guy who invented that wakes up laughing. I mean really? Its a dildo attached to two paperweights.
X I got a mosquito bite last night... Bet that little guy is pretty hungover today.
X If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
X I'm wondering why life keeps teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn...
X If I have to endure another day where Facebook doesn't work and is constantly disappointing me, I might have to start dating it.
X I LOVE it when people are overly sarcastic. No, really, it's great! Thanks a bunch!
X I think that someday we'll look back on all of this and blame someone else.
X I'm dedicating this status update to all the statusless people out there. Stay strong.
X I like the new "like" button to "like" someone's response to a status they possibly "like." So, like, when can they add a dis-"like" button? You know, like to use on this status.
X I didn't realize until Facebook that most of my friends are wannabe farmers, gangsters or cooks.