Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Medical fact: Half of the population has a sex addiction. The other half has a vagina.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?

   Are you single single or internet single?

   If you can't laugh at yourself... I will gladly do it for you.

   I never make the same mistake twice... I like to fill my day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources.

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"

   I wish I had a job where I could frequently say, "If my calculations are correct..."

   I am pretty certain it is easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.

   So have they made a drink called Tequila Mockingbird yet? What the hell are they waiting for???

   Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, ccroll down 4 months, and like something.

   If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.

   I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!

   Being right isn't nearly as important as knowing when to shut the hell up.

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen.”

   A report indicates V iagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, V iagra sales have skyrocketed.

   If at the end of your life you have no regrets, you did it wrong.

   If at first you DO succeed, someone's probably going to think you cheated.