Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   It's pretty cowardly to put a ding in someone's car door without at least leaving a note scratched into the paint, such as, "LOL! --->"

   ‎"Okay! Well who's ready to help me set this entire house on fire?" - Me, if I hosted "Hoarders," five seconds into every episode.

   Mary had a little lamb. Then Mary saw a lamb chop recipe on Pinterest. Now Mary has a full stomach.

   Her: "Do I look, like, fat?" Brain: no, no, no, no Brain: Of course not. Brain: Say SOMETHING. Mouth: "Like a fat what?" Brain: Oh dear God

   I found out two things last night. 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbors have a new hot tub

   It's tough to be such a sex symbol.

   Don't you hate it when people talk sh!t on Facebook? Internet Gangsters

   I don't want to be mean and "block" you, so just close your eyes when I post, like I do, when I see YOUR pic. Thanks :)

   When I pump gas now I do it with my eyes closed cause I'm praying that $35 worth will get me through the week...

   If she says "So I was thinking" ...be prepared to do some sh!t you don't want to do.

   The snooze button is life's way of saying that waking up sucks.

   THERE'S A TECHNIQUE IN LOVE: We follow the rule "Love one another" and if doesn't work, just swap the last two words, "Love another one"....

   I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.

   I think the next reality show should be called "Taking out the Kartrashians." People get to beat them all up and stack them by the curb.

   I hope men who treat women like sh!t have figured out how to suck their own tiny c0cks.

   After one of my friends changes their FB status to single, I like to upload a bunch of pictures of the happy ex couple and tag the sh!t out of them.

   Watching the news right now and the news lady is going to a hot dog eating contest. She just said she is going to see how many wieners she can fit in her mouth at once. I spit coffee on my computer.

   I am very much an acquired taste. If you don't like me, I suggest you acquire some taste.

   That jackass who called me childish at work earlier is going to regret it. Just wait till I tell my dad.

   I'm beginning to think these 'bored housewives' I'm seeing in pop-up ads are lying. I've had several come to my house and not one of them would cook.