Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.

   Katie must be out of her 5 yr lease contract with Tom Cruise finally

   I'm a little confused - Facebook just bought Instagram for 1 billion dollars. Didn't anyone explain that you can download it for free?

   Statistically speaking, 9 out of 11 Americans will be offended by this message.

   Trying to figure out why Japan seems to be doing so well at the swimming in the Olympics... and then like a giant wave crashing down it hit me.

   My best pick up line: Excuse me, but I think you dropped this two hundred dollars for sex.

   Did you hear about the guy who robbed the store with a pair of scissors? Well long story short, apparently bullet also beats scissors.

   I saw a guy with an eye patch today, so of course I had to ask him how the fun and games were before the injury.

   Barack Obama's in training for a second term of office. He says if he's elected President he will also consider hunting vampires.

   Man talking with his friend: "My wife died yesterday, I'm trying to cry but tears are not coming out, what should I do?" Friend: "That's simple. Just imagine she is coming back."

   I googled 'understading women'... LMAO was the result.

   During sex, you burn as many calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?!

   You don't know the difference between "your" and "you're?" It's the difference between knowing your sh!t and knowing you're shi!.

   I don't allow men to smoke in my room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want.

   I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P

   I wish computer commands worked in real life. You make a mistake with your girlfriend = Ctrl+z. Your girlfriend dumps you = Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Your girlfriend starts seeing your best friend = sledge hammer to screen.

   The only thing worse than reading your status is having to look at your stupid ass profile picture next to it.

   I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!

   A man's best chance of winning any argument with a woman is if he confines it entirely in his own mind.

   If I haven't done something you asked me to do and I say it's because life has "been crazy", it really means I've just been lazy.