Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   In hindsight, saying "goochie goochie goo" while tickling my girlfriend's clitoris was probably a bad idea.

   Cashier: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Me: "Nope - still single." Both of us: "Hahahaha!"

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   Facebook is perfect for me. It's the c0cktail party where you don't have to wait your turn to speak.

   Nothing improves creativity more than a lack of supervision.

   You don't find the meaning of life, the meaning of life finds you.

   Just flossed my teeth with a peace of thread from this ladies snagged sweater... in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.

   Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?

   If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.

   After finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127...

   The iPhone checks my Facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.

   Why does every girl think it's ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

   Hand jobs are like the WNBA a cheap imitation of something that men do better.

   The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

   Hey there automatic flushing toilet. I love your enthusiasm but ummm..... I wasn't finished yet.

   I was driving the other day and I didn't stop at a stop sign, A police car pulled me over and a police man got out and asked "Did you see that stop sign?" Apparently I shouldn't have said "Yeah, but I didn't see you."

   'Tis the season when we buy this year's gift with our next year's money...'

   I'm going to Prehab... On the off chance that I get addictions.

   You're the joke, I merely provide the punch line..

   Trying to understand quantum physics, because trying to understand women is just too damn hard.