Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   A rice cake is a good way to tell your taste buds to go to hell.

   Well, just did my daily "walk of fame" where I go outside with my coffee and lie to squirrels about how I got laid last night.

   I told my dad off today. I said, “Dad, I'm a grown man so STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD!” It worked. He gave me a juice box for standing up for myself.

   My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.

   Using a coupon is kind of like playing with your pen!s... At first you're embarrassed... but once the cashier has it in her hand... it's all worth while.

   i can honestly say I have never hated anyone, because that would imply I actually gave a shlt in the first place.

   There's something fishy about this cucumber I'm eating.......

   Yeah, you're right dude. I totally can't tell you're fat anymore when you wear a t-shirt in the pool..

   I hate those ambulances that drive really slow with with their sirens on. There's one behind me now. So annoying.

   Life, Karma and Payback walk into a bar. BlTCH NIGHT OUT!

   Most girls want a polite thug... A dude who will open the door for her but will still smack that ass as she walks past.

   I would suggest a battle of wits but I suspect you're low on ammunition.

   If you can't do the right thing, at least do the thing right.

   It's not easy being humble when you're flawless.

   I've had a rough week, so I'm going to watch Jersey Shore to feel better about my life.

   I'd rather die than commit suicide.

   Well, it's almost that time of year I find out who my real friends are when I start getting calls from friends I haven't heard from since last Summer. You know, since I have a swimming pool and all.

   On one issue, at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women.

   People that tell me they never use dirty words must be boring as hell in the bedroom. What do they scream? "Touch my no-no and make me squish-squish?"

   The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012. I keep thinking I should make some kind of preparation for survival. But then I've only just finished the last can of baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.