andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

   how long does it take possums to realize when one of them are actually dead?

   My tombstone will read "should have googled it first."

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: it before

   I was so angry at my parents when I found out Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   So disappointed that Hello Kitty isn't a cat. This must be how Snoop Dogg felt when he met Emily Blunt

   Dogs are tough. I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy

   I've been around the block a few times. I forgot where I live.

   Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don't want to go to prison.

   When people ask where I live I always say by the sword.

   Paper shouldn't beat rock -- maybe smooth jazz fusion or contemporary country, but that's it.

   Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."

   The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."

   People complaining in the express line about the lady writing a check will be uber ticked when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Pepsi

   Yes, a Catholic school girl uniform will attract attention. But I don't think that is the look you want. Sir.

   1st sneeze: Bless you. 2nd sneeze: Bless you 3rd sneeze: Get out of my life until you are finished with whatever this is

   Doritos has a new flavor named Street Taco. Which used to be my rap name.

   Throw caution to the wind. Throw indecision to a tornado. Throw anxiety to a cyclone. Basically, If it's windy make real bad decisions.

   First date tip: to add an air of mystery, whisper "she suspects nothing" into your wristwatch

   Pretty sure my dog would make a horrible astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare her