Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   All I want for Christmas, is to keep the things I've got.

   I liked you better before we met.

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had.

   Happy Father's Day Dad! Whoever you are...

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.

   My new boss: Those cigarettes will kill you. Me: My Great-Grandfather lived to be 102. Boss: Smoking? Me: Minding his own business.

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."

   Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.

   Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout?

   When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing

   Just when you think you have buried the past, They find another Body...

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?

   Are you single single or internet single?