GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Apparently, it's rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, "Skip intro" when they start talking to you.

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

   I sure hope you like your Christmas gift... It's a year's supply of me!

   I just realized why this month is called May. It may rain, it may snow, it may be 70 degrees or it may be 20 degrees.

   Don't rush into a relationship. Be friends first. Maybe they have hotter friends. Thank me later.

   Cooking for 2 hours just to eat for 10 minutes is the biggest scam in the world.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

   Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   Shout-out to everyone lying in bed just scrolling on their phone.

   Ever spent money so quickly that you felt like somebody stole it?

   Dear Facebook, stop asking me what's on my mind. We both know it's against community standards.

   Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out, "You have reached your final destination".

   I just read a list called "100 Things to do Before You Die". I was really surprised that "Yell for Help" wasn't one of them.

   Marriage tip: When you're in an argument with your wife, just use the phrase "I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong." This will help her realize that you are always correct.

   Marriage tip: If your wife asks you if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym like she ran her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Everyone needs a sarcastic, smart mouth friend. I am so happy to be of service to you all!

   I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.

   n't it funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you.

   If you ever drove a car without any power steering, you can literally fight anybody and win.

   After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone and send a message to everyone: "Thank you for coming".