StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of Oklahoma. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards.

   I got a call today from a distorted voice saying "Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife" Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.

   I wish the bags under my eyes had weed in them.

   I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no f*cking money in there.

   Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me" I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would.

   Some days I hate getting up for work, but then I think oh well, only another 40 years to go, and that always cheers me up.

   I wouldn't make it very long as a tattoo artist because I would always be asking "You're kidding me, right, you want that?"

   Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying "sorry breaking up with you" or that a minute later she text me back "sorry wrong number."

   My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.

   I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?" B*tch.

   You can tell my girlfriend's really Japanese because her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them

   Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am, and my attitude depends on who you are.

   A tongue has no bones but it’s really strong enough to break a heart.

   Every morning you are handed 24 golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, You couldn't buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure..

   Found a bag of marijuana at work last week, and like any responsible employee, I disposed of it. In a series of small fires

   How about we start being thankful everyday, and have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.

   So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?

   I called my work this morning and said, "Sorry, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"