Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Did you hear about the Egyptian King that went to College and studied plumbing.. graduated a Pharaoh faucet Major.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 06:32 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?
←Rate | 11-01-2018 06:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can't out run the law. A Chehalis Washington judge removes robe and gave chase and captured two handcuffed prisoners that fled his court room.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:55 by Justice Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:35 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [first trip on a cruise liner] CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My husband knew he couldn't scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ME: [bird watching] PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: Garçon! l'll have your finest bar of xanax and be quick with it! My pharmacist: get out
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon : [zoo] cop: what happened here? boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Lou Dobbs, where is Whakhulaaaah Mexico?
←Rate | 11-01-2018 04:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon the world that tramp lives in any wheres near the land of OZ?
←Rate | 11-01-2018 03:27 Comments (0)  




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