Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:11 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings” What are you? A Ceiling Fan. Gave him all the candy.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: I've lost the dictionary Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon INTERVIEWER: you put "whiskey" as a reference? ME: ope I thought it said preference
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good. Mine is my back scratcher.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once again those were not booes. They were alternative cheers.
←Rate | 11-02-2019 23:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Customer: "Sir, could you take a look at my car; it's making terrible noises." Mechanic: "Have you tried shutting off the Christian music?"
←Rate | 11-02-2019 15:36 by Michael Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please don't Facebook and drive! And if you have to update your status just do like I do and pull over to the side of the road, which is where I've been sitting since ever since I signed up with Facebook in 2014.
←Rate | 11-02-2019 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Going out with an Ex is like reading a book you already know how it's going to end.
←Rate | 11-02-2019 12:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The glove snap before the prostate exam isn't necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
←Rate | 11-02-2019 07:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wonder why I'm such a night owl who who stays up all night?
←Rate | 11-02-2019 04:30 Comments (0)  

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