Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If aliens landed today they would think that our phones are mind control devices that -- hey I just got another text
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Spice up the holidays with random quotation marks: "Merry" Christmas to your family / Merry Christmas to "your" family / Merry Christmas to your "family"
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's disturbing to think that somewhere, someone might be listening to a Sane Clown Posse
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cats always have that look on their face like you just asked if they would help you move next weekend
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 2017 was not a total loss as I successfuly avoided listening to Despacito
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid the only flavor chapstick we had was medicine.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish someone had a beef with me, maybe with BBQ sauce
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him freeze it in a large block and then carve a swan out of it.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 16:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I kinda skeptical that it's really The Last Jedi.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 16:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The name "conservative". What are we actually conserving? Food?
←Rate | 12-22-2017 14:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So when do we start "winning" so much that we "get sick of winning"?
←Rate | 12-22-2017 13:21 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I started carrying around a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 09:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "OK, send me your mother.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 09:12 by Erich Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never judge people by the color of their skin unless they have a spray-on tan.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 09:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don't think soooo.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 07:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why was the snowman smilimg? Because he saw the snowblower coming his way.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 04:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Algebra is proof that humans create their own problems and then cry.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 02:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
←Rate | 12-21-2017 22:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Help control the idiot crisis, get your democrat neutered or spayed.
←Rate | 12-21-2017 22:05 Comments (3)  



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