Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Looks like the witch hunt is catching a lot of witches.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 21:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 17:55 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL
←Rate | 05-26-2018 16:43 Comments (1)  

   messageicon You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:56 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I watch football holding an X-Box controller just to confuse people.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:32 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My inflatable girlfriend takes my breath away.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:28 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:26 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember grandpa’s last words before he died. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he asked, “What’s this warning label say?”
←Rate | 05-26-2018 12:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Would you people PLEASE stop praying for my Grandpa to get stronger . . . he's ALREADY grabbed me by the throat this morning!
←Rate | 05-26-2018 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 10:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 09:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 08:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just applied for a job with the local police. While I wait for their reply, should I start going after criminals or is it too soon?
←Rate | 05-26-2018 04:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doctor: It’s a girl Me: *starts sobbing* Doc: Are you OK? Me: Yes I'm just thinking about all the free alcohol she's going to get
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:40 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Just sort of hoping for accidental success at this point.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Throw a drink at Tomi Lahren? In this economy?
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:31 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen. Me: so was this pie
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I spent alot of time trying to get all of my eldest relatives together in one room with no luck............. Then BINGO
←Rate | 05-25-2018 22:23 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Where do babies like to go for lunch....... Hooters
←Rate | 05-25-2018 20:34 by Jake Comments (0)  

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