Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.

   You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."

   Why does every wireless provider say that they have the best, fastest, most covered 4G network? Someone's lying.

   Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   I liked you better before we met.

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   Happy Father's Day Dad! Whoever you are...

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   My new boss: Those cigarettes will kill you. Me: My Great-Grandfather lived to be 102. Boss: Smoking? Me: Minding his own business.

   I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.

   So the new Titanic 3D is out.......... Maybe they'll see the f*cking iceberg this time.

   Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout?

   Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.

   WTF are birds so amped up about at 5:30 in the morning?

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."