Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   My new boss: Those cigarettes will kill you. Me: My Great-Grandfather lived to be 102. Boss: Smoking? Me: Minding his own business.

   So the new Titanic 3D is out.......... Maybe they'll see the f*cking iceberg this time.

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."

   Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.

   Are you single single or internet single?

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   Medical fact: Half of the population has a sex addiction. The other half has a vagina.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   Just when you think you have buried the past, They find another Body...

   When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

   I just woke up pissed off for no reason..... now I know how a woman feels. ;-)

   Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, ccroll down 4 months, and like something.

   If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.

   So have they made a drink called Tequila Mockingbird yet? What the hell are they waiting for???

   Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......