Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   I liked you better before we met.

   Happy Father's Day Dad! Whoever you are...

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had.

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   My new boss: Those cigarettes will kill you. Me: My Great-Grandfather lived to be 102. Boss: Smoking? Me: Minding his own business.

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.

   So the new Titanic 3D is out.......... Maybe they'll see the f*cking iceberg this time.

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."

   Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.

   Just when you think you have buried the past, They find another Body...

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   Medical fact: Half of the population has a sex addiction. The other half has a vagina.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

   Are you single single or internet single?

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?