Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I read Facebook status updates and I can't understand them. Then I say to hell with it and read some that aren't mine.

   Why does my phone insist on reminding me my battery is dying, wasting even more of my battery!

   Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.

   Why does every wireless provider say that they have the best, fastest, most covered 4G network? Someone's lying.

   Happy Father's Day Dad! Whoever you are...

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had.

   I liked you better before we met.

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   My new boss: Those cigarettes will kill you. Me: My Great-Grandfather lived to be 102. Boss: Smoking? Me: Minding his own business.

   I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.

   So the new Titanic 3D is out.......... Maybe they'll see the f*cking iceberg this time.

   Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.

   Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout?

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."

   WTF are birds so amped up about at 5:30 in the morning?

   Medical fact: Half of the population has a sex addiction. The other half has a vagina.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"