Jake Funny Status Messages

   I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.

   The Quickest way to get a person to call you back. Take a bath.

   Want to confuse people this Halloween? Wear a Santa Claus suit as your costume.

   such an unthoughtful farmer that he wants to smash his neighbor's White Mystery Eggs and slaughter their Baby Calf if he can't get them off his News Feed.

   Does anyone really ever listen to the wedding march melody? Dumb dumb de dumb ...... Dumb dumb de dumb.

   How can fish get high? With seaweed.

   committed to TWAT. (The War Against Terrorism)

   Another woman cause me to leave my wife. It was her mother.

   At Halloween never go to a dog park dressed as a fire hydrant.

   What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice to long?....... Polaroids

   After a night of passion, I told my new girlfriend that she was the frist one I've ever been with. She smiled and said really? I said yea, the other's were sevens and eights. :)

   I like to stop the microwave with one second to go. It makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   In California, ever day is now 420

   There are 2 types of people on Facebook: those who have a way with words, and the others, who, don't... not... have... way.

   Feeling down? Just play your wedding tape backwards and you'll feel better.

   I don't mind going to work every day and working with a bunch of a**holes. I'm a proctologist.

   What do woman and police cars have in common? The both make a lot of noise when they are coming.

   Sound advice: Never keep your hemroid cream on the same shelf as your toothpaste.

   When we were younger my wife got a dolphin tattoo on her butt...... It's now a whale

   There should be a book "What to expect after marriage" for the bridegroom.