Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.

   I never judge people by the way they look. Which, in your case, must be a relief.

   These stale great value brand Doritos taste like middle class sadness.

   I do my best Kool Aid Man wall busting impression when I arrive at a party and find out there's no booze.

   I really think that Rihanna's last name is Featuring.

   The good thing about not drinking is that I remember everything, and the bad thing about not drinking is that I remember everything.

   Can we have a moment of silence for those unfortunate souls who have never smoked weed...

   Guys who wear skinny jeans: Why do you keep hitting on girls? You've already gotten into their pants.

   I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night. I got away with a broken arm. Don't know whose but it's mine now!

   I just launched a new fragrance! - a great way to announce a fart

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   Why do people keep telling me I need a positive attitude? I'm already positive I have an attitude.

   If you ever want to feel stupid, read your Facebook status updates to someone who isn't on Facebook.

   Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron.

   Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

   My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

   I went to this new Chinese restaurant today for lunch... it was off the hook, chain, collar and leash!

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, everyone remembers. Funny how that works.

   I took my girlfriend to see the new Twilight movie today. It was bad. The Gulf Of Mexico is in better shape than that movie's plotline.

   Giving someone a trash bag full of yellow Starbursts is so much more fulfilling than saying "I hate you."