Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The difference between politicians and prostitutes is, though they'll both take your money and f*ck you, prostitutes will actually give some satisfaction.

   You always know when you come across a ghetto b!tch. They don't have inside voices. They only have "I wanna make sure everyone f*cking hears this" voices.

   Sucks when you find out you have crabs and are allergic to shellfish

   The FedEx lady would not take my package and told me to put my pants back on and quit calling her unless I need to ship an order.

   Sometimes it feels like the world is a giant bird and I'm just a freshly washed car.

   All these idiots that attended my Elvis Impersonation Show wants their money back but I had on the correct sun shades and costume AND I WAS LYING PERFECTLY STILL IN THE CASKET....... so, SCREW 'EM

   Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend. They don't care.Tell him you have a pen is.

   "Hurricane Sandy roars up the east coast generating 80mph winds and substantial precipitation." Big deal. Want to impress me? Stand directly in front of my GF after I come home drunk from the bar at 3am for more then 5 minutes.

   WARNING...If you are on my friends list and we have NEVER spoken to one another AND you don't bother to "like" one of my status updates... I am not gonna do sh*t.... because I am FAR too lazy.

   "I don't mean to brag," ... "Then shut the f#ck up!"

   Life experiences are like quarters, you lose both when you are sitting around on the couch.

   Things I'm angry about in 2011: 1) No hoverboards.

   There are hundreds of languages throughout the world but a smile speaks them all! ◕‿◕

   ...and thats how the U.S. outdoes a Royal Wedding.

   Nothing quite takes the place of research like making stuff up.

   I really need to find a girlfriend. Guy at poker table was like “This is my girlfriend, Kayla,” and I was like, “This is my sandwich, Ham.”

   I could be completely naked and I'd still look less slutty than this girl.

   People who say that winning isn't important, never win.

   There are tons of open seats, so why does the one next to me always look so inviting to really weird people?

   She draws me in with a hypnotic glance, rips off my shirt, throws me up against the wall, presses her body against mine and whispers in my ear... GOT CHOCOLATE?