Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Okay, so you Republicans taking office, we all expect a complete economic turnaround in less than two years. Got it?

   Girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old sh!t.

   Fake eyelashes are okay if they look natural, but some of you women look like you gonna take flight if you blink too fast.

   Attention girls who make the Duck Face- THOSE are not the lips guys are interested in seeing all swollen.

   SEX It may have only 3 letters but it can have as many characters as you like.

   The secret to eternal happiness lies in the acceptance of its nonexistence.

   My girl is a serial over-reactor. You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can't go in the kitchen alone anymore.

   Bucket list #17 - boxing a kangaroo.

   I walk the streets with a smile on my face while looking up. Just in case the cameras of Google Maps are filming.

   Two wrongs don't make a right, but they have the potential to become a pretty interesting Facebook status update.

   Trust me. Tight fit jeans and loose fit skin are one bad combination.

   Whoever originally thought up the vampire idea should have trademarked it.

   If this day had a face, it would be that of an evil clown laughing maniacally at me.

   "Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools."

   When people nickname their child "Boo Boo" is that their way of saying their child was an accident?

   I really hate it when people say "that sucks" like it really makes the situation any better.

   Note to Self: Hang up phone BEFORE talking sh!t.

   If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

   Facebook has revealed that there are many, many people just like me and now I know why the world is screwed.

   I'm hoping the office Secret Santa happens early this year so I have time to regift before Christmas. I hate storing them for a year.