Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you.

   I spent the afternoon scanning Facebook profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.

   Been watching two black guys shake hands for the past 37 minutes.

   Why WOULDN'T you wear a condom when they got that sh!t called "Kids" goin around?

   My doctor prescribed marijuana for my constipation but said if it didn't work after a week to discontinue using it. Basically he told me to poop or get off the pot.

   There's a fine line between a 5pm meeting and a hostage situation.

   How to politely answer to an insult: "I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as good as nature did..."

   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

   It's important to have a good sense of humor right up until someone jokes about something you care about. Then it's okay to kick their ass!

   Picnics are dumb because five minutes after you eat your sandwich you're just a jackass in the park sitting on a blanket.

   In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

   You may write me down in history with your bitter, twisted lies... You may trod me in the very dirt... But still, like the dust, I'll rise!

   If I don't mention you, then the tweet wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace that bltch up and wear it.

   If you're looking for a girl, here is what to look for: 1) HOT 2) SANE 3) SINGLE ... now pick two

   When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer.

   Swimming can be confusing… some people do it for fun.. I do it not to die.

   I just told my child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'

   Facebook: Lying to people you know. Twitter: Be honest to people you don't know.

   I am thinking about going back to college to further my education. Just don't know if I am gonna fit into the stripper clothes I am gonna need to be able to pay for it.

   My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"