Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Ladies: Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to talk about sports, food, or sex. Not in that particular order either.

   Most of you like waking up in the morning..... to see the "com ments" and "likes" that your sta tus received. I like waking up in the morning....... to see.... WTF I po sted!

   Remember to smile at your enemies. It makes you the bigger person, plus your smile will be prettier than their frown. They hate that.

   I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.

   You can tell how much you like someone by how strong the urge to check your phone is when you're with them.

   loves a woman in uniform...unless she's in my rearview mirror.

   I don't believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too.

   was thinking about starting a facebook addiction group, but wouldn't that be like starting an alcoholics annonymous at a bar?

   I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even f*cking sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm that drunk.

   Facebook now lets you put a star on a select group of friends.. JUST LIKE HITLER!

   This old lady dropped a grocery bag leaving the store today. My girlfriend told me "Don't just stand there" .....so I started to point and laugh.

   Of course I would die for you honey. Example? Uhhhh.... I would rather jump into an alligator pit and eaten alive, than listen to you B*TCH for another second. How did I do?

   I think they call it the LIFETIME network because when you are forced to watch one of those stupid shows IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT.

   OK scientists... Bacon flavored soda... and go

   If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?

   My friend told me, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." So I hit him with a dictionary on his head - that showed him.

   Thanks to the economic crisis, bartending got upgraded from a job to a career.

   MC A of the Beastie Boys has died. I wont be able to sleep until the bury him in Brooklyn.

   Just saw a laundry soap advertisement showing how it can even remove dried up blood stains off of clothing. If you're clothing is covered in dried blood, I'm thinking that's not your biggest problem.

   For the last time people....... I'm not fat! I am just so full of sexy that it over flows... There is a difference!