Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it.

   It must've been awkward taking a dump during the Hunger Games, knowing that the whole country could potentially be watching you.

   Who thought it was a good idea to make commercials 5 minutes longer than the actual show you are watching?

   It would be really funny if the GPS changed voices depending on what part of town you are in. YOOO Man, Yawll enturrin da ghetto! teerrrn leffft and' hit up tha likor store beeotch! Nah Nah Nah Nah Yawll misst da teeern. You are reallly dumm. Fur reel.

   A friend of mine bought an iPod Touch. I checked it out... It's just like an iPhone, but you can't make calls. No wait, it's exactly like an iPhone.

   If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

   Not making a Mexican joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   I'm putting way too much pressure on my coffee this morning.

   I just realized that I'll never see a genuine ninja...because if I do, it wasn't.

   Officer I know I ran that red light but it's okay, I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?

   Nothing makes crazy people happier than having a microphone.

   Do you want to make a difference? Be different.

   This holiday season there's no better gift than the gift of life. That's why I'm giving every girl I know a baby.

   A man buys his wife a car and she says "Can't you get me something that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds?" He brought her the bathroom scale.

   I changed my name in my friend's phone to "Marty McFly." Sent him a text saying "We've gotta go back to 1955!" He hasn't texted me back.

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute.

   Liking your own status on Facebook is like giving yourself a high five in public...not a good look.

   Don't get chased by your past. Your future always catches up.

   I tried to get over myself, but I'm just too awesome!

   I always bring my phone with me into the grocery store because I'm expecting a very important fake call if I see someone who knows me.