Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I've been drunk texting and drunk calling and drunk emailing people all night and I'm not even drunk.

   ► Play The Moments ▌▌ Pause The Memories ■ Stop The Pain ◄◄ Rewind The Happiness.

   Just walked into a McDonald's and refilled my soda cup from yesterday without paying. Thug life.

   When I kill a spider, I don't clean it up, I leave it there so the rest of the spiders know not to mess with me.

   My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is read aloud.

   Her: I forgot to take my medicine. Me: For your face? Her: No, for my depression. Me: So you're not taking anything for your face?

   I actually hate grocery clerks who ask "paper or plastic." It's like they know I f*ck ugly women.

   A woman said to me earlier....... "You're the most sarcastic bstard I know." I said, "Thanks....... That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

   You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

   I accidentally took my girlfriends birth control pills..... As soon as I'm done crying I'm gonna B*TCH you out....... Oh....... I love you! ♥

   I have give myself a pat on the back. I've been workin' with Ms. Know-it-all for almost two years... and she is still breathin'. :)

   I believe that there will be a war of the sexes one day and the male leader will rally his troops for battle by riding through the ranks shouting, "REMEMBER THE ALIMONYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

   I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it.

   It must've been awkward taking a dump during the Hunger Games, knowing that the whole country could potentially be watching you.

   What I told her is "I'm not your type." What I meant is "I'm outta your league."

   What is the appropriate gift to give your woman on your 5th year anniversary..... of the restraining order?

   Why didn't they just kill Gilligan on Gilligan's Island? If he hadn't screwed crap up, they could've been off that damn island years before. And what's with Skipper? You don't get that fat eating coconuts. That fat ba$tard is hiding something.

   One of the most exciting things about life is not knowing what's next.

   I Dont Care if he's a werewolf, its snowing, and the least he could do is put on a f*cking shirt!

   I think that what I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I do something wrong.