Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Babies are the 2 extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   I just invented a time machine for you so that you can travel back in time and, quite literally, go f*ck yourself. Twice.

   Apparently Diet Pepsi has come out with a new "skinny" can...does that mean regular Pepsi will be coming out with a new "fat-ass" can?

   You know you are obsessed with farmville, when your stomach is growling and you say, "Shut-up! I need to harvest!"

   My motto is "never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.

   You gotta text her goodnight if she special. The other women just get the "oh my bad I fell asleep" text in the morning.

   You know that person that complains all year, but on Thanksgiving uses the entire 420 characters in a FB status update about the things they're thankful for? Don't be that person.

   Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.

   Asses are made to be sat on and not spoken from.

   Steal a couple of sips from the soda fountain at McDonalds and everyone looks the other way but do it at the taps at Outback Steakhouse and all hell breaks loose... geesh!

   When Shakespeare invented the word "swag" he did not intend for it to be used the way it's being used today. I guess that's why he also invented the word "assassinate" so we could kill people who misuse that word.

   If Apple and Microsoft weren't competing to see who can make the best phones and tablets, we would already have flying cars and Jet packs by now.

   I swear my alarm clock asked me to karate chop it this morning...

   We have all experienced the pain of watching a slow typer.

   I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

   There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

   If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put beer in a tit?

   I just pissed so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.

   I finally got it all together... but I forgot where I put it.