GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not.

   Don't expect any New Years resolution from me. I intend on staying the same awkward, outspoken delight you have all come to know and love.

   I'm combining Easter and April Fools Day together this year. I'm sending kids out to search for eggs I haven't hidden.

   If I blocked you on social media and you see me in the streets, the block still applies in real life.

   I don't know who needs to hear this. But just because it is on sale doesn't mean you have to buy it.

   I'm stepping down from my position as an adult. It turns out this isn't for me but I appreciate the opportunity.

   Pro tip: Save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

   My car clock is finally right again. My patience really paid off.

   The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   A Disney fairy tale has the line "And they lived happily ever after". A modern day fairy tale has the line "If elected I promise."

   Dear Santa, I was good at being NAUGHTY. Does that count for anything?

   You know they once made a movie about constipation, but it never came out.

   Working 5 days a week just to be free for 48hrs just doesn't sit right with me.

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

   My wife and I have been married for quite some time. Our secret is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

   Wanna make a car dealer uncomfortable? Just say, "Tell me if you can hear this". Then get in the trunk and start screaming.

   I wish I had enough money to discover that it doesn't actually make me happy.

   Everybody hates a cliffhanger because of the

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft.

   My smart mouth always gets me in trouble. And if it's not my mouth, it's my facial expressions.