GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   If you take a social media sabbatical, don't announce it. Just make your last post something fun like "I wonder if there's a bear in this cave?"

   I have a message for the thief who stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my car: How do you sleep at night?

   Why is there enough asphalt for speed bumps but not enough to fill potholes?

   It's finally November! That means it's time I get to start saying the two words everybody wants to hear: Merry Christmas!

   Are you single? Just remember that at this time of year, something wonderful and heartwarming happens. Tons of candy goes on clearance!

   If you see me talking to myself, don't judge us. We're trying to talk ourselves out of doing something stupid.

   Guys, if the relationship fails, don't blame her only. It takes 2 people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   My class essay on internal organs was too short. So I added an appendix.

   And yet again this morning No one was standing Next to my bed Saying Your Royal Highness here is your coffee.

   I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His parents weren't too happy about it.

   When you die people cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do, there's the running and the screaming.

   I hate it when people text me: "Call me". I'm gonna start calling people and when they answer, I'm gonna say, "Text me", and hang up.

   If I blocked you on social media and you see me in the streets, the block still applies in real life.

   Walmart is giving away free Christmas decorations as long as you can outrun security.

   I told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here, you just won't see me.

   I need to watch it as I've started having road rage behind the wheel. But sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store.

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer... THEN IT HIT ME.

   If one door closes and another one opens, your house is haunted and you need to run.

   Marriage tip 101: If your wife asks you if the dress she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym just like she runs her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.