Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My dad called and said my mom accidentally took one of his men's vitamins. I go, "Yeah, so?" He said she's been bugging him to take her to Hooters but she won't let him Google the directions.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 14:27 by BobBogin Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll never understand why people name their kids after 80's action heroes. Sorry, but I have more class than that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make a conference call to my sons Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael and Leonardo.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 14:19 by BeefonWeck Comments (1)  

   messageicon Last night, I watched a documentary on marijuana. Let me say this... if you're gonna watch a documentary, that's the best way to do it.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 14:16 by BobBogin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry if I end up in your dms this snow ❄🏂 got me sliding everywhere 🤭
←Rate | 11-13-2019 13:18 by Krystal Comments (0)  

   messageicon Disney has installed hand sanitizers to combat swine flu. And I was thinking, “Disney — if you’re really serious about not spreading swine flu, get that Donald Duck to start wearing pants.”
←Rate | 11-13-2019 06:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Seriously, why didn't you care about the Clinton's taking money from their bogus Clinton Foundation? They were stealing hundreds of millions from their own charity, Mr. Hypocrite. Typical. And, why would a billionaire steal a paltry $2 mill? Fake News.
←Rate | 11-12-2019 16:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What is this mythical "leftover" Bacon of which you speak ?
←Rate | 11-12-2019 10:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Social media invented the process of trash taking it self out.
←Rate | 11-12-2019 07:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro-Tip: If you volunteer to sit at the kids' table this Thanksgiving, you can hide your green bean casserole under the plate of the toddler next you.
←Rate | 11-12-2019 06:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite Thanksgiving tradition is finding mysterious crumbs on me for the next seven to ten work days.
←Rate | 11-12-2019 06:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
←Rate | 11-12-2019 06:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out
←Rate | 11-12-2019 06:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $300.
←Rate | 11-12-2019 06:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do couples alway say that they're expecting a baby? Like could they be expecting something else perhaps like a penguin or a giraffe or something?
←Rate | 11-11-2019 22:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please enjoy this security camera footage of me not robbing the bank! It was recorded first, so the other tape of me dynamiting the vault, twirling my mustache, and running out holding sacks with dollar signs on them must be ignored!
←Rate | 11-11-2019 19:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you
←Rate | 11-11-2019 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it’s funny how guys like being called daddy until the pregnancy test is positive
←Rate | 11-11-2019 06:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ah nuts, I accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
←Rate | 11-11-2019 06:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy birthday to Leonardo DiCaprio. He turns 45 today. It's time for a Titanic prostate exam. l
←Rate | 11-11-2019 05:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.
←Rate | 11-11-2019 05:56 Comments (0)  

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