Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The Backstreet Boys are now doing Downy fabric softener commercials, which means their career is officially over.
←Rate | 02-24-2024 14:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, the customer with the most money.
←Rate | 02-24-2024 06:05 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Blacks comprise 13% of the US population. The exception being daytime TV court shows. Then it's 99%.
←Rate | 02-23-2024 13:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I couldn't get a reservation at my local library. They were booked!!!
←Rate | 02-22-2024 06:07 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon I learned a valuable lesson today. An LED bulb doesn't work in an easy bake oven. I've been cooking this roast chicken for five hours and it's still raw.
←Rate | 02-20-2024 15:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.
←Rate | 02-20-2024 10:03 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Presidents’ Day is canceled until we find one
←Rate | 02-19-2024 16:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No New Year, No Groundhog, No Valintine, and now no New President. Holidays suck anymore.
←Rate | 02-19-2024 15:40 by Darkharbinger Comments (0)  


   messageicon Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.
←Rate | 02-19-2024 10:11 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Menstruation? Should be called Men-Frustration at this point.
←Rate | 02-18-2024 21:42 by alexreynosoart Comments (0)  


   messageicon My favourite part of Football is when they feed the players water like they’re Hamsters
←Rate | 02-18-2024 08:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon hooray! you are the 99th person to view this message. Press command + w (or ctrl+w) to earn your prize :)
←Rate | 02-16-2024 22:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you honk at me .025 seconds after the light turns green I'm going to put my vehicle in park, adjust my seat, check my tire pressure, change my oil, return some emails, eat a snack, read a book, brush my teeth, nap, and build a LEGO set.
←Rate | 02-16-2024 05:43 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kids, beer is low in vitamins so it's important to drink lots of them.
←Rate | 02-15-2024 14:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink or dessert. Then I'd sit back and watch the madness unfold at every table.
←Rate | 02-15-2024 05:48 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a f#% chic is the equivalent of a b#%! dude. I really need to do something about my weight. I don't want to Roll like that
←Rate | 02-14-2024 02:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never let anyone drive me crazy, because I know it's within walking distance!
←Rate | 02-13-2024 16:51 by @ttmichael09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon BRB.... am I more than you bargained for yea.
←Rate | 02-13-2024 14:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm a firm believer that every traffic jam begins with one idiot.
←Rate | 02-13-2024 09:11 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon The difference between humans and animals? Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.
←Rate | 02-12-2024 09:31 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  




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