Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.
←Rate | 12-17-2018 14:26 by Kisstopher707 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I’d like to see a commercial where the wife receives a brand new Lexus on Christmas morning and the she turns to her husband and says "You idiot! WTF is the matter with you? We can’t afford a Lexus!"
←Rate | 12-17-2018 09:51 Comments (1)  

   messageicon When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.
←Rate | 12-17-2018 07:37 Comments (1)  

   messageicon The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.
←Rate | 12-17-2018 07:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m going to write a modern Christmas song called “baby is cold outside” it’s the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat
←Rate | 12-17-2018 05:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.
←Rate | 12-17-2018 01:49 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon Growing up, all I wanted was Girls Gone Wild. As an adult, I ended up with Bills Gone Wild
←Rate | 12-16-2018 14:26 by topherboy1981 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING????
←Rate | 12-16-2018 09:44 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t tell me I can do anything I set my mind to. You don’t know me.
←Rate | 12-16-2018 09:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?
←Rate | 12-16-2018 09:35 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.
←Rate | 12-16-2018 08:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never forget your family... they're the real enemies.
←Rate | 12-16-2018 08:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In Greek mythology, Athena kept an owl on her blindside so she could always see the whole truth. I knew I was missing something.
←Rate | 12-16-2018 08:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Scientists need to put cancer aside and find a cure for country music first.
←Rate | 12-16-2018 08:29 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In the future Frosty the puddle, will take the place of Frosty the snowman,
←Rate | 12-16-2018 06:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
←Rate | 12-16-2018 05:24 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon I left the FrisbeeIsm cult. They just used circular reasoning.
←Rate | 12-15-2018 19:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll never understand those baby on board signs? Like thanks for letting me know as I was just about to purposely ram my car into yours for absolutely no apparent reason until I saw your sign!
←Rate | 12-15-2018 18:19 by Moon Comments (1)  

   messageicon My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.
←Rate | 12-15-2018 14:11 by Zinc Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
←Rate | 12-15-2018 14:07 by Zinc Comments (0)  

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