Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon whoa they've gone way too far when they disarm Elmer Fudd
←Rate | 06-10-2020 01:09 by Lonnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wash my hands at least 5 times a day. But not because of the Coronavirus. I own a Volkswagen.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 19:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I spend most of my time resenting people who never had to use a typewriter.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 15:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting
←Rate | 06-09-2020 15:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Neighbor's python just swallowed my Paula Abdul CD. He's a cold hearted snake.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 14:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I asked the waitress if I could ask her a question about the menu, please. She said the men I please is none of your business.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 11:22 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Those three magical words: “Where’s the plunger?”
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:23 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:21 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fuzzy dice.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’d grill your cheese. ~me, flirting
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:14 Comments (0)  

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