Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for very infectious diseases
←Rate | 06-08-2021 08:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be Are you going to eat that?
←Rate | 06-08-2021 08:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This morning I spent at least half an hour trying to get wifes bra off... I will never try wearing that again.
←Rate | 06-08-2021 08:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Military only get one day" said only in june by homophobic peope who cant stuff up
←Rate | 06-07-2021 23:37 by Lu Comments (0)  

   messageicon Good night, everybody. Night sweats, no... sweet dreams. That's it... sweet dreams.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 22:13 by Fezziwig Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope my dog never finds out I am made of bones
←Rate | 06-07-2021 11:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That’s a horrible idea. What time?
←Rate | 06-07-2021 10:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s like my therapist always says, Please, put on your pants.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 08:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 08:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kids won’t stop bugging me for an in-ground pool so tonight we’re watching Poltergeist.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 08:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers. Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
←Rate | 06-07-2021 08:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro cooking tip: Serve a super bold, spicy red wine before dinner to cover up how badly you over seasoned the food. The best defense is a good offense.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 08:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 03:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey Joe, must be nice to eat ice cream as fast as you want and not have to worry about brain freeze.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 03:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Protesters should step their game up and start blocking railroad crossings.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 03:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Television is the monster in your home, and it’s called a program for a reason. It has been designed to psychologically change the ways that you view reality.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 03:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What makes Elon guard his Musk? Courage
←Rate | 06-06-2021 12:36 Comments (0)  

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