Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron !
←Rate | 05-07-2018 16:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's amazing how a single terd can shut down a water park.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 15:39 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon The difference between carbon monoxie and my wife is..... Carbon monoxie is a silent killer.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 15:31 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon People laugh at the inventor of nitrous oxide.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 14:12 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 11:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can you imagine how sexy I'd be if I ate right and took care of my body... I'm not going to, but can you imagine”
←Rate | 05-07-2018 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trump needs to stop worrying about Mueller and start worrying about Giuliani
←Rate | 05-07-2018 04:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best thing about my wife's bj..... The five minutes of silence
←Rate | 05-06-2018 22:24 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice to long?....... Polaroids
←Rate | 05-06-2018 22:07 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon What do you call a nun with a sex change operation....... A tran-sister
←Rate | 05-06-2018 22:02 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I devorced my wife because she like having sex in the morning after I left for work.
←Rate | 05-06-2018 21:58 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon i have a man flu. I had a good run, I think this is the end for me. Tell my family I love them.
←Rate | 05-06-2018 10:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife's coffee is so strong it puts hair on your chest........ And takes it off if you spill it.
←Rate | 05-06-2018 07:18 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon "No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
←Rate | 05-06-2018 02:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I ever go missing, please don't look for me.
←Rate | 05-06-2018 02:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s hard to keep loving someone who constantly calls the cops and keeps changing her number but here I am.
←Rate | 05-06-2018 01:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hear they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.
←Rate | 05-05-2018 20:12 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife is so fat that she keeps walking into things....... Like Mc. Donald's Dunkin Donuts Dairy Queen etc etc etc
←Rate | 05-05-2018 20:07 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I had a horse in the Kentucky Derby, his name would be... How-Much-Wood-Could-A-Woodchuck-Chuck-If-A-Woodchuck-Could-Chuck-Wood .
←Rate | 05-05-2018 19:27 by Trudge Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fat Girls out Here With Crop Tops Looking like Winnie the Pooh 🤣
←Rate | 05-05-2018 19:21 Comments (0)  

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