Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook.

   I'm thinking of removing all the keys off my friend's keyboard and replacing them in a random order.

   My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?!? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

   Timex and Tampax should get together and invent something to let guys know its her time of the month.

   Adam's first words to Eve: "Stand back, I don`t know how big this thing gets!"

   I can only hope that someday I have the self esteem of the 300 pound guy wearing spandex that just came in.

   Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post.

   Let's team up! With my looks and personality and intelligence and talent and your drink money, there'll be no stopping us!

   I am in a prison for something I didn't do. I didn't run fast enough.

   Had to have the 'Drugs' talk with the teenage son the other night... had to warn him how easily he could get ripped off...

   I ruined somebodys life today... They stole my identity.

   Lifting the toilet seat AND putting it back down are 2 steps. If women really want equality, they're going to have to take on a step here.

   I've given out the same candy for over 5 Halloweens now. It's a Jolly Rancher... on a string.

   Carrot cakes sounds like it shouldn't be a real thing

   I think that the trouble I have with trouble is that it usually starts out as fun.

   I'm about as motivated as a Denny's employee.

   Having it all together is not my style.

   Can't believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn't using the slogan "Once you go black, you don't go back." - some hooker

   Thongs are the mullet of the underwear world: business in the front, party in the back.

   If Axel Rose don't say, "Down on your sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees." before getting a BJ... then he's not as cool as I thought he was.