Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When I won the Lotto, I decided to share it with my ex. "I won the Lotto, you Slut," I shouted over the phone.

   If a guy takes Viagra and his erection does last more than 4 hours, do you HONESTLY think he calls his doctor to complain or does he go through his phone and line up his booty calls???

   I'm not exactly sure what my doctor gave me, but I've decided I like being sick. The walls keep waving at me and saying very complimentary things. It's kinda awesome and I never want to get better.

   I was reading the ten commandments and got to "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" and I remembered where I left my wallet.

   I just discovered I have a super power! I can be invisible... Oh no no wait, I'm just being ignored.

   A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

   Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

   One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

   I have auto-correct for my voice. It's called my girlfriend.

   My girlfriend just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   If I haven't insulted you, pissed you off, or raised feelings of irritation yet... just give me a bit more time.

   I banged my best friends mom, I guess this makes me his best motherf*cking friend!

   Sex is like music: for every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

   "H3y what r yhu dooinq?" ... About to throw a dictionary at your face.

   Full-Moon out tonight which means all the crazy folks are coming out of the woodwork... and for some reason they've chosen me as their leader...

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to his wife or girlfriend. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.

   Waking up this morning was a stupid idea.

   There's nothing wrong with my attitude. It's in full working order.

   "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "They" are just poor virgins.