Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If you are ALWAYS posting status updates about your “HATERS,” chances are I'm one of them.

   I went shopping at Sam's Club and now I have enough toilet paper to last until 2027.

   I don't want you charity unless your charity is bacon and then I will take it.

   If all the world's a stage, then where's the hook to yank off the idiots?

   If you've got nothing nice to say let's sit far away from each other and yell obscenities across the room just to p!ss people off.

   An awkward morning beats a boring night.

   We have so much in common. You want to travel . . . I want you to go . . .

   I didn't go see the Social Network because I was worried I'd run into people from high school that I don't remember or didn't like.

   Scrolling through my newsfeed today has taught me 44,578 new ways to say "I don't give a f*ck."

   I think I will get a piece of canvas and draw a face with my left hand and my eyes closed, splash it with purple, red and black paint, call it "Disconnected" or some such crap... Sell it for 1.8 million and retire.... That's my plan.

   To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a damn sandwich!

   A lie is not nearly as bad as the insult to my intelligence.

   never wants to go to bed, yet I never want to wake up in the morning. Why can't my "late night" self make some kind of compromise with my "early morning have-to-go-to work" self?

   They need to change the sign from "Speed Limit" to "Required Speed."

   My moral compass always gets me lost.

   I like to think of myself as "Emotionally Exciting" as opposed to bipolar.

   It's time for attention to pay me instead.

   Hey ladies, if you are looking for a tough, manly boyfriend, then that DEFINITELY wasn't me that ran screaming down the hall when I walked into that spider web... I swear.

   I wish I knew Spanish so I could understand the voices in my head.

   Kids are supposed to be so tech savvy these days but my 9-month-old just wants to lick my iPhone.