Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I think that there are two kinds of people in the world: people who put raisins in cookies & people I like.

   F*ck you light bulb it's my turn to be burnt out.

   If being batsh!t crazy was as visible as a nice body some of you hot chicks would get a lot less attention.

   How are babies not self-consciousness of their thighs?

   My co worker asked if I could help file some documents. I said I was working on a huge project while she watched me play solitaire.

   If you can't handle me at my worst I don't blame you because I can be a total ass.

   It's funny how some people are all nice and humble on Thanksgiving... Then less than 12 hours later flip like a light switch and start throwing elbows into people's throats to get a TV.

   I told my ex to make sure she gives 100% today... she's on her way to donate blood.

   F.Y.I. a slice of bread does not substitute as toilet paper.

   My girlfriend and I weighed ourselves, then we had sex, and then we weighed ourselves again. Just as I thought... I'm doing all the f*cking work.

   ...is now awesome. earlier I was just pretty damn amazing :)

   Immediately like this status if you automatically restart a game when you know your gonna lose!

   Pop a molly? Why don't some of you hoes start poppin birth control.

   I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I went out to get my GF some milk and got blown into the f*cking bar.

   You really don't have to say much for me to say, "I'll drink to that!"

   Eventually you'll be separated from everyone you love by distance, argument, divorce or death. Make sure you know how to stand on your own.

   "It sure is nice to not be out shopping." - sane people

   Coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.

   I wish people would just listen to my advice. I have invested many years f*cking shlt up so you don't have to.

   Thousands of stoners give up smoking weed to avoid having any association with Justin Bieber. Cleverest. Government. Propaganda. Ever.