Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   doesn't have a girlfriend, but he does know a woman who'd be mad at him for saying that.

   To all the women I've loved before, I have found someone better.

   When someone says they know a person just like me and I have to meet them, I know that when I meet them I'll be insulted.

   Almost everything I've done today has been done like a Rhinestone Cowboy.

   Telling a cop you are so high you thought you were in London wont get you out of a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road.

   REALLY annoyed. I got asked to leave the supermarket for doing what one of their supid signs said: "Wet Floor." Bunch of retards.

   The boss phoned and yelled "Are you still asleep?.... You should have been here two hours ago!" I said "Why... what happened two hours ago?"

   My favorite coffee mug has a chip in it. My favorite shirt has a stain on it. My favorite jeans have a rip in them. My favorite CD has a skip in it. My favorite friend is you. I like things that are flawed, like me.

   LADIES: I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...

   Being free is no guarantee of happiness, but if you're unhappy, at least it will be on your own terms rather than someone else's.

   Years ago I walked in on my parents having sex. You should see my face in the video.

   Best I can figure, women have 3 levels of sexy: 1. Got to look good for my man sexy. 2. Got to catch a man sexy. 3. Class reunion, it's on b!tches.

   Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

   I love how I don't have to watch the weather channel, I just sign onto Facebook and check the latest status updates.

   It's wrong that so many people get their daily news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy.

   I guess Amish people have to just yell out their status updates... so sad.

   Are you one of those people that get butt hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your ass off of Facebook.

   Wow... I'm standing out on the ledge of my building, watching what looks like police and firemen trying to fit a trampoline through the front door! Pfft... Idiots!