mickey Funny Status Messages

   What do President Trump and Tony the Tiger have in common? They're both orange and make things GREEAAT!

   Gray Matter Matters

   Now that summer's over, I'd like to suggest to the ladies (and guys from Canada) that next year, unless you have a rear end made of perfectly sculpted stone, don't wear a thong.

   Canada: Compared to the USA, it's the North American equivalent to the kids' table at a holiday dinner.

   I have this roomie who must go thru half a roll of toilet paper every time she uses the bathroom. I'm going broke. Some people are so @nal when it comes to wiping their a$$.

   I'm the proud grandfather of a new baby boy. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

   Today's date officially marks the twelfth day of Christmas....So, except for the Nine Ladies Dancing, Eight Maids-a-Milking and the Five Golden Rings...it's all going back to Wal Mart. Especially that squawking, annoying, Partridge in a Pear Tree.

   I went to the movies to see "Lincoln". The only thing they had at the snack bar were waffles and Log Cabin Syrup.

   "I was country, when country wasn't cool"....newflash...it still isn't.

   The only thing to believe in is to not believe in anything.

   "Dating" is an anachronistic, nebulous means of defining a relationship. All it means is both parties are duping each other into some degree of permanency. Wait...that's marriage. I meant marriage.

   I ordered 2 pizzas from Dominoes. The order taker was not amused when I asked her for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Total.

   Many folks have a possession "bronzed". I'm talking about my b@lls. When she said she wanted something in the driveway that went from 0 to 200 in 2 seconds, maybe I shouldn't have put a bathroom scale out there.

   I had lunch today with a woman. Okay, so the woman was on a TV show eating at the same time I was. Okay, so the woman was Berta from Two and a Half Men.

   Pope Benedict is so old, there are only two jobs available to him. 1) Bag boy at the supermarket. 2) Run for President on the Republican ticket.

   I always do things for the wrong reason. Like, watch the World Series for the organ music interludes.

   I lost my virginity when I was 15. It was smokin' hot until I bit her thigh and all the air leaked out.

   I thought Super Bowl LI was a Pho Soup special at a Vietnamese restaurant.

   There's a baseball team named the Giants (San Francisco), a football team named the Giants (New York)...yet there's no basketball team named the Giants...when in fact, basketball players ARE GIANTS!

   I like my women like I like my peanut butter... chunky.