andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   There are two kinds of people in the world- those I'd catch during a trust fall and those I wouldn't.

   Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are

   Before smartphones I remembered phone numbers. Like lots. Of all my friends and family. Was I Rain Man?

   The main message women seemed to take away from Cinderella is it's okay to take your shoes off when you go out.

   Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.

   Coworker asked me to lunch and I didn't have the heart to say no so I planted drugs in his desk and got him fired.

   “Dude things are messed up with Syria.” “Yeah. I hope she performs better in iPhone 6.” I have stupid, really stupid friends

   My guess is that roughly half of the U.S. economy is based on making commercials for auto insurance companies.

   If I've learned anything from Facebook, it's that everyone has a birthday

   "Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" — Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids

   Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.

   Just saw the fattest Dalmation ever. It was huge & had these teats that were almost touching the ground & it made a weird bark, like "moo"

   If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.

   The internet completely changed the way I avoid doing stuff

   Here is my panic room. Over there is my slightly anxious room, and next to the foyer is my complete mental breakdown room.

   I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

   I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing, to let me know when I am wrong.

   Just before I wrecked myself, I had the sense to chickity check myself.

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed on them