GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   My body knows how old I am, but my mind refuses to believe it.

   Whoever came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has clearly never been to Walmart during the day.

   I'm going to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money. I should be back home later tonight.

   Some people exercise every day. I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

   Stop trying to please people who don't like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they've ever met.

   Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical. It's like the trash took itself out.

   I've just been for a job interview and the boss said, "Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.41. When do you want to start?" I said, "In 6 months!"

   I need a scary movie that's gonna make me paranoid for the rest of my life.

   Things I hate: Gross pay - $2,257. Net pay - $1,138.

   What do I do all day long? Sometimes, it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   I really think it's time to take the warning labels off everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.

   The worst thing to step on in the dark is someone else's foot when you live alone.

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting

   Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives.

   Don't judge me by my Facebook posts. I'm much worse in real life because there's no community standards.

   People's driving skills got me looking both ways at green lights!

   I really used to hate speed bumps. But now I'm slowly getting over them.

   n't it funny how sharks can smell blood, dogs can smell drugs - but some people can't smell themselves when they need deodorant?

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.

   Today's advice: sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home.