flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Got a tattoo that's says "mom". My mom got a tattoo that says "what". We're tattoo texting.

   I'm glad there's an "international" sign for choking, because a foreign speaker might think you were just wildly signaling for a turtleneck.

   From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.

   I have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.

   Respect your elders. They made it through High School without Google or Wikipedia.

   It's easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.

   FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.

   My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it's there to stab potential taco thieves.

   FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right

   If the breakfast club existed now I'd eat all their cereal and steal their cell phones

   I got sent out of class once at school.The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them?' I replied, "Hello?"

   Not only was I too embarrassed to tell the doctor about my symptoms, when I searched for it on WebMD, I added "asking for a friend"

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON'T HANG UP" right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back

   "Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." - everyone in front of you on the highway.

   I just can't stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to "stay cool"

   I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I'm an FBI agent in a surveillance van.