hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   My pre-nup will indicate that I'm allowed to unplug her life support system should my phone need charging....

   They should make a car that can text you when the car ahead of you brakes.....

   Not putting metal in your microwave also means not feeling like an awesome sorcerer in your own kitchen.

   A womans anger is like a check engine light..there is no way to figure out why it came on so just ignore it and hope it goes away....

   Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in walmart was staring at me.

   Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write to people and pray they cash them at the teller just to make things interesting...

   I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"...this walmart sucks!

   A girl told me today "a lot of guys want me" I told her " that doesn't surprise me, keep in mind honey that cheap things usually attract many customers"

   According to my employee handbook I am only required to show up sober. There is nothing saying I can't start drinking once I get here...take that HR lady

   You never really forgive the friend who tricked you into watching "2 Girls 1 Cup".

   If more people knew what guys did with socks they'd stop giving them to their dad as gifts.

   We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.

   All I'm saying is: If you're already gonna be late for work you might as well walk into the office tangled up in a hammock.

   Today is the kind of day where I shouldn't leave the house unless I have Yoshi and like three extra lives.

   If you're at a party and people start chanting your name, you're obligated to do anything they want you to do

   May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends

   Pretty sure the pope secretly has Marge Simpson hair

   If I hadn't already faked 13 illnesses this month to get out of work, I'd totally do it again today.

   My kindle fire reads "50 shades of grey" to me. Its like having an obscene phonecall from Steven Hawking.

   Hope I'm never call-into-a-morning-radio-show-for-advice depressed.